This was originally published as a zine. You may download a PDF version of the below.
Someone to Bone. Online Dating Sites: an Acerbic Critique
Online presences fascinate me. Mostly because of their ability to estrange us from each other, while under the guise of wanting to bring us closer together. Instead of talking to someone directly, I can interact with a personal projection of someone's self-characterization. The more prevalent online presences get, the more local these people become as well. Since they're convenient, they have the tendency to take over the job of me communicating with someone. These projections become more and more sophisticated as the software that powers them becomes ever more complex and the hardware that runs them is integrated into computers, to phones, to watches, toasters, etc. We're going to prefer to interact this way instead of more directly. Some already do.
No other online presences engross me more than online personal dating profiles. It seems, more than any other online presence, a personal dating profile has the clearest goal in mind: have you meet someone you want to either be friends with, date, simply Bone, or - fuck me, marry. It means meeting someone else in the Real World, through a online dating site. Eventually. Which, I'm kind of all for - in theory: Move something that starts out in teh Gr8t Intarwebs, into the Real World, instead of the other way around.
Not to say that other social network sites don't allow you to do this, or people don't - or that's it's a gross perversion to utilize these sites and do so - that ain't gonna be the rant I'm going to wax about. What I've always been interested in, is how the sites themselves are designed to, "help" you find people with whom you, "match". The points I'm going to stress are the design and system of an individual's profile and the algorithm put into place that does the matchmaking. I won't be talking about what happens once you decide to make contact, agree upon a meeting place - all that. That's really boring to me, since it's basically Blind Date Time. I want to start off with how that first step is flawed - and how the next steps don't fucking matter.
First, an Admission:
I've personally used dating sites almost for 10 years. I've met people online using these services, I've dated them, fucked them, fucked with them (we all make mistakes), kept in contact with individuals, even continue to have friendships of various degrees with people I've met through them. I've seen these sites go from Really Fucking Subversive to basically, Ubiquitous. The first girl I kissed, I met online. First.
The Object of My Discontent
I will focused on a site called, OKCupid.com. Why? Because, when I was in a coffee shop, with my Extremely Attractive Friend Whom I've Slept With, it was what she suggested I do: I was going to Europe for a while and I was worried about being lonely in a city I didn't know very well, "So: let's make you a Profile" Besides, she used it. A lot. I'm not going to explain very well how the site works. That would take precious time and is boring. I have little of the former and want none to do with the latter. Use the site yourself. Play along. It's free. Moving on:
I'm opinionated. And I'm of the opinion that using this site became part of a large fixation of hers. Kind of like how Sex can be an addiction. This person was really into Boning People (her phrase, that I'm paraphrasing) and an online personal dating site was her way to find potential partners - it was her hookup. She describes the process much like one would think of a temporary job interview: hopeful candidates would write in with their proposals, if she liked what she read and she wanted to make contact, her instinct told her that this person would probably be up to having sex with her. As I said, she's a very attractive, very intelligent girl.
I describe this all to bring up my first point about all this: there's a major separation between emotional attractiveness and logical attractiveness. My friend here seems to have logically attracted herself to people for mutual benefit. For her, it works great, since there's really no lack of willing partners on a site like OKCupid, which has millions and millions of users. Fish in a barrel.
It got to the point where she could be really picky on what she wanted. "I want to be like - a Cougar " (paraphrase), "I want to Bone like - a 19 year old" (paraphrasing again). And she and I - I was staying in her very small studio apartment at the time, homeless that I was, trolled through this site, looking for hopeful matches with her. Stalking is a fun sport. We were probably looking at your profiles, laughing at you.
It turned into all what we did together - what we talked about. Her small studio apartment was like our own online dating opium den "So, where were you?". "I was with that one girl from OKCupid. She's really nice." "Did you Bone her?". "No - just coffee, dear". And then, we'd make out, or take a shower together. We were pretty liberal and comfortable with each other. Probably, because of the extent of knowing each other (most of our adult lives). I also think we don't find each other terribly mutually attracted to each other, on many, varied levels. OKCupid's Algorithm never, ever, made us a high match. She would remind me of this, frequently. She seemed agree with the algorithm, I did not.
But wait - how'd we meet? Sort of a precursor of most all "cool" online profile presence sites: MakeOutClub.com, which, having a snarky name, did prove to live up to its title. Would I have met this person without that site? No. I don't think so.
I think now I'll say something nice, because I'm not going to say nice things, about these fucking websites, for a while: What I do enjoy is a little game of bizarre chance. Before I totally destroy your dreams of happiness through online dating, I'm going to say they're a great way to get some weird rolls of the dice. I love this friend of mine, I wouldn't want to be without their friendship in my life. I love chance and I love strange connections.
But, I've also left my house with a pair of plastic handcuffs and would playfully cuff people walking around the street with as interesting an effect as staying up all night, crafting my online persona for others to stalk. You want chance - take a chance, motherfucker!.Back to my sloppy rant:
The Algorithm Thingamabob
Math is a sore spot for me. I can't really get much higher in my academics than Cross Multiplying (and I use that for Everything). It's one of the reasons that I dream of one day subsisting on a meager pay for the privilege of drawing all day. Having OKCupid match me using a statistical algorithm to help me find a potential mate is where I fucking tap out. And I know. We just started. But look: that's my job, to question our abjection to: Feelings 'n Stuff, and wondering why we have a preference to use tools like Statistics, for things like - I dunno... finding Simple Happiness.
My detest for Math is pretty similar to other people's detest of Art Theory or Philosophy. But, since I'm the loud guy on the podium right now, this whole essay is going to through the lens and not the other. This whole essay is also not going to use Statistics, or facts, or footnotes1 - or any of that Shit. It's going to be half-assed philosophy and everything is going to be on my rules - it's going to be Art. It's going to be the anti-thesis of such a well-crafted site, with such a sophisticated software layer. The first thing you have to understand about the design of these types of personal dating sites is that they want to hide the fact that it's cold number crunching, underneath the pleasant shell of an inviting design. It's one of those things that, if you saw what really went on, you wouldn't like it. You wouldn't trust it. But you don't see all that.
You have to suspend your belief in The Real World to to really enjoy the whole thing. It's not a bad thing to do, or something bad about you. It's what we do when we listen to a story, or get caught up in a song, or cry in a movie. It's a wonderful thing - but I think it's a good idea to know what's fucking real and what's fucking Art. Like - look, I have a soft spot for stupid pop music, but I don't forget what it is: it's stupid pop music. Some people do forget - like, it's something that changes their lives. Forget that.
Them Multiple Choices
Most of the information OKCupid (and other dating sites) use as its, "Dataset" is "Gathered" by the, "User" (you, my dear) taking various multiple choice tests. I totally couldn't understand what makes OKCupid's so much better than its competitors, but I'll take their word for it - 'cause they say they are. Depending on your answers, it basically just matches you up with someone who answers the way you want the answers to be... answered. In other words: It gives you a list of people who would be submissive to you. Custom fucking made. Just for you.
Now, I've been on a few of these, "date"
things myself, and the gist I get is this sort of cuts to the chase of the,
"Gettin' to know ya" part of everything. Like the, "What, you don't like A Clockwork Orange?
But, I live my life based on that book! What, you don't READ?!", part of
my dinner that ruins my evening and gets me home sooner than expecting to go
trolling through some more profiles online. 
My main complaint about all these - and man, I'm as bored writing this all out, as you are to reading it, is that it's Fucking Multiple Choice. Here's an example of a question - it's the next question they want me to answer on my very profile:
When is suicide okay?
[] Always.
[] In special cases, such as to prevent suffering.
[] Never.
Suicide. Fucking, Suicide. There's not a complicated subject, right there. You know, I could care less what your> answer is on this one. It's why you think whatever it is that you think, which is important to me. And, since I can't communicate this very important - vitally important, information to someone, this whole question/answer thing really is bullshit.
You have to answer the question in front of you to get to the next question, so, I answered, "Always". Given the choices, that's the one I picked. You want to talk about it to me on this site? TOO BAD! Here's the next question:
How important is it to you that your partner smell
good?
[] Very damn important
[] Important-ish
[] Less important than you might think
[] I just don't care.....at all
From one of the most heated moral dilemmas to Personal Odoriferous Opinions. Great system. What offends me, as a stinky man myself is the casual way these answers are given. "Important-ish", is not a word. It's worse than the grammar tragedies I'm currently mashing out in this rant.
It's also another question that I have trouble answering. I once went out, for months, with a girl I met online. Craigslist and I shit you not. She was attractive and intelligent. And she rode bikes. One night, I told her she smelled like a volcanic beach -
I remember being on a cycling/camping adventure from Canada to Mexico and on the first or second week, after a good 500 miles, I was on the Oregon Coast, very tired, and after making camp, I watched the sunset on top of a rocky spire. The sun was still beating it's bastard heat on the beach and the smell from the rocky, volcanic sand, steaming up from the beach that seemed to go on endlessly North to South was unworldly.
And, this girl smelled like that. Sorta.
Which, was a plus - but not particularly important to our goings on. The question is trying to be nice, but it's fucking not. What it really wants to know if you're OK with stinky people. Which is subjective - what's stinky? I've now talked more about Person Scent than Suicide. And I'll stop.
One more note on statistics about something I heard from somewhere: The data you get from them can give you an insight on, "Trends". Trends work across a, "Population" and aren't extremely useful for "Individual Data Points" in that, "Population". Or did I fucking miss something in High School Stat Class? 2
So, once you found a, "Match" using the magic (Magic!) of Statistics, you can then stalk a person by visiting their profile, which, like the multiple choice thingamabob is really in a rigid format: Describe Yourself. Tell Them What it is You Like to Do. Who Should Contact You? Blah bla, blah, bla, blah blah, BLAH. Here's the problem with this. You can make shit up:
In fact, you will make shit up.
The reason why you will make shit up, is: you are able to, because your profile will sound boring to others profiles, written by those who have made shit up.
You are probably the worst person that can really describe yourself. Everyone thinks they're smart or funny, or whatever. And to someone, you are. Really, you are - if only to your Mother. Just like the multiple choice Thing, it's not telling me anything about anything. Some smart ass (and I am in this category) will come along and use the magic of Creativity and make a smart-sounding, thoughtful-yet-snarky, fun-to-read-and-discover-all-the-nuances, profile. And these profiles are the most bullshit of all of them, since they lie the most. As a master bullshitter, let me assure you that a tragically undue amount of glitter applied to anything is only useful as a veneer to hide a crumbling structure underneath.
So, I'm writing off the writing part, because I'm a Gooded enough writer to understand how you can screw with this part. I know the intricate tangle which a web can be woven to trap an unsuspecting fly... Next. the Photos!
The Photos!
I'm mostly attracted to the photos of OKCupid. Why? In the age where my camera can take 100's of almost 35mm comparable shots on this little itsy bitsy digital card thing (and how this statement will age so badly), this site gives you like, ten that you can upload. Ten. Much like the writing part of this all, it ain't much wiggle room. It's a controlling aspect of the site and the control is there for a reason.
And just like the writing part, you can bullshit this part to all ends. Let's say you really hate your body (cutting to the chase). Well, just upload a close up, picking from 1,000 shots you did in your own bedroom alone and pick out one that looks, "Good" to you. Or use something from 5 years ago, when you weren't so unattractive to yourself.
Most of the hundreds of profiles I've looked at (and that's easy to do, once you get a little addicted to this Online Stalking thing), you find people don't really do this a lot, they don't do anything at all. They... I have no fucking clue - just use what's relatively available, or what's on their computer desktop or something. "Hmm", they think, "I do have those shots of Halloween where I was Barbarella and got sick all over myself, after passing out on the pool table, doing very very very rude things with a champagne bottle... let's upload that!" And, I swear, people do. Alright, I made that up, but in trying to tell my gentle readers my opinion on what a better system would be, even given the parameters put henceforth by the owners of the site - I'm really at a loss.
Here's the problem:
People, hopefully, are interesting, attractive and dynamic, with many moods that vary in subtle ways. You ain't gonna be able to capture this in some shitty jpg uploaded to a shitty dating site. You just ain't.
It's a good tool to confirm, as long as everything is up to date, that the person has like, two eyes and no more (or less!3), but that's about it. If a picture shows them, in scantily and titillating beach ware, in some undisclosed, but immaculate coastal area, with a wonderful bronze complexion, sipping on some drink with an umbrella in it - and you're *into* That (say I'm into That) - like... that's cool, I'm fine with that, but with anything, I wanna know what the fuck you're doing. Like, in life: what the fuck are you doing there? Were you taking a break for some sort of covert operation in South America and decided to exploit the very locals whose choice of freely-elected social and/or democratic government is the very one and the same government that is your job is to help overthrow? Or did your parents give you some sort of trip as a gift? Did you pass out on rope swing and found yourself, now a women, in a foreign country, knowing how to speak the native language perfectly and someone just happened to snap the picture?
So, what people tend to do is put... Whatever there - the subject doesn't matter, but since you can't really have that many shots, you tend to have photos that are somewhat stressed in someway - they show, perhaps not a little bit of your personality, but a LOT of it, in weird ways. Like, if you're into Burning Man - fuck, you'll show that one picture of you, with some kick-ass hair, and those completely ridiculous fuzzy boots, with some sort of matching fuzzy dress made by someone really famous-'n-stuff from the Burning Man scene. And me - I can't help but thinking, "yup, that's you and that's you sometimes, while shitting". It just comes naturally. I'm a big-picture kinda gent.
But to the point, what you make is: a Caricature of yourself. You take a few neat things that you like and you put it together. If one was to describe you just from interpreting the pictures in an objective manner, you'd get either a freak mess, or something really, really boring. Say, it's the same photo, again and again, with the same pose. Which people seem to like to do. Or, it's with your dog. All of them. I'd love to think this whole profile is some sort of complicated Bird of Paradise-like dance, but it's not. You're filling out a form. A job application. Just like my attractive and intelligent friend there was hoping you're doing. And if you want the Relationship-as-Job - some sort of task, well, man - stop reading, cause you did it - you found it: Online dating.
It's demoralizing in a way that's subtle: you can't upload just any picture, now can you? Because there's rules to the site - you can't offend someone, so no nudie shots - shit, I can't post a drawing of myself, without someone getting into a tirade about it and forcing my hand at removing it. You really are going to have to make sure your personal beliefs align with the site. If you don't, well, I guess the argument is, you don't have to use the site. My argument back is: boy, what a mirror of how the real world operates to subdue my natural and healthy desire of personal expression. This too leads to boring photos.
So after days and days of doing nothing but sitting in my underwear, with my friend and her cat, filling these profiles out, tweaking them, uploading pictures, searching - constantly searching for someone to make me go: "Fuck Me and Let's Travel the World!", I essentially gave up. I thought basically, all the things I've just written in one big: FUCK THIS, deleted my profile,
and went and automatically made a whole new one.
And all I did, was fill it out, honestly and truthfully, answered those stupid fucking multiple choice questions as honestly and truthfully as I could and I stalked the people the Algorithm thought I matched.
And, I drew them
I didn't really know why - I think I was bored and wanted something to draw - and, oh, wouldn't this be interesting: drawing people who were potentially attracted to me.
And I drew and drew. For weeks. Almost always in public and just with a pen in a sketchbook. Fast with no erasing - just my impressions of them. I realized what I was doing was mapping, as best as I could, my internal image of these people - what impression they were making on myself - and recording the results onto a piece of paper. That's... sort of what drawing is, to me anyways. At least this type of drawing - fast, loose, quick, without edits. Just get it out there, baby! Blow man, Blow! After all that, I wrote this, same way: took around 10 minutes 4
I found the hardest thing was to not make these people into caricatures. And this is where I realized that I wasn't - it was people who were already doing this, for me. I had to keep my objectivity and draw the filtered picture in my head, which... was subjectified. That's a word, I looked it up. And that's what all these drawings are.
And, I'm not perfect. The people I found attractive were drawn with more care. It's true - I could find who I was attracted to, not with algorithms, but by taking the time and looking at a photo for ten minutes and recording. But, what I found wasn't a person I was attracted to, but the personal projection of a person and this is really rendered quite meaningless to me. I was going to order these photos from least to most attractive, but that's exactly what a site like that would expect from its users. Categorizing. Filtering. Least to Greatest. Grading. No. No. No. No. No. No. Fuck that.
I'm Wrapping This Up, Now.
My loose thesis does not mean to diss any one individual or group of individuals. I've stated in so many words that I find most people interesting, insightful, funny, complicated and intelligent in their own ways. Hopefully. These types of people are not at an advantage on an online personal dating site. My problem and rant is truly on the format and particularly on the format imposed by this one site: OKCupid. Finding attraction is not done by statistics and shouldn't. I'm completely scared shitless that we are, as individuals, fine with using Statistics in this way to find potential life partners. Because, we shouldn't.
We can, but I don't really think you're going to get any better of a result, then if you go and find a place that has people that you feel comfortable and secure with, and you say, "hello" to one or two of them. I live in a city big enough where this is possible. If you can't find this: MOVE. If you find yourself unable to, online dating sites may be your last resort - I understand that there can be people that are so alienated of their surroundings as to be fearful of them, who have to face daily humiliation and intolerance. Who cannot remove themselves from this type of setting. Fine. I'm talking of personal experiences, as a terribly, achingly, straight male. Don't make it your biggest hope, is all I'm saying.
The, "Too Busy" Thing:
If you're too busy to find someone without actually meeting someone, you're too busy to have a wonderful relationship with them. Does that make sense? Desiring something wonderful without putting time into it is a form of control. Shit, that's a pretty good working definition of, "addiction".
And Another Thing,
Do you really trust a for-profit corporation to help you find something as valuable, as say, a Life Partner? Really? Don't you think they have more vested interests in you using and exploiting their other users? Don't cha think they're using all that statistically information for other devious purposes? Yeah, you better fucking believe they are.
And what's up with this, "Dating" thing, anyways? Who's idea was that? Online dating sites don't replace dating someone, right? Cause that's fucking stupid sounding. What they replace is a genuine Matchmaker. And that's even stupider sounding, because no one goes, "Gee, if only there was a matchmaker - like in Fiddler on the Roof, just for me!"
Fuck dating, fuck filling out stupid profiles that belittle you and concentrate your pure uniqueness into a series of multiple choice answers. Do whatever it takes and meet people. Get over your social hang ups. Figure it out. Do whatever it takes. Scour the Earth. Lead an incredible life. Be a total badass. Amass a community of people that lovingly give rather than take your time and energy. Do not settle. Do not use these services, unless there is No Choice.
The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures
It seemed unfair for me to draw others, without drawing myself, so, I took the liberty of reading the latest statistical findings by OKCupid, which just so happened to be about profile pictures!5 What luck!
In it, they debunk 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures. Like the title of the blog post says.
Myth #1, they find it's not always the best to smile - and they have fancy graphs to prove that. So, I looked away and didn't smile. They had examples, themselves.
Myth #2 is that you shouldn't take a self-shot, shot. They basically found that you should. So, I did.
Myth #3 is that Guys should keep their shirts on. That's a silly one and well and they also said to do it, I think? So, I did: my ab shot is included.
The last myth, "Make sure your face is showing" is the last I tackled, since it's the one they say to always do: show your face, but they relented and said it really doesn't make a difference. So, I did an expressive drawing of my hands - cause those are important to me.
But - if not showing your face isn't important, as well as a double-negative, I decided that these drawings I did, all don't really show my face, and should be pretty A-OK with OKCupid, so I threw them up on the actual profile. We'll see how long they stick up.
Footnotes
1) But I will be using them, for comedic effect, naturally.
2) I actually never have taken a statistics class. All my opinions on it are made up!
3) I'm actually a big fan of Momus, so no offense to any monocled people!
4) Lies! Damn lies! A few hours, really.
5) http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/01/20/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
