My Cunt.

I just finished, Cunt by Inga Muscio.

I read it for a few reasons. The last time I read a book by a woman author was Rosalind E. Krauss's The Originality of the Avant Garde and Other Modernist Myths in July of 2003 and you know what? - that was more of an editorial position for her. (it was a dry book as well).

The last author before that whom was a woman that I checked out was Ayn Rand's, The Fountainhead and it's fairly easy to say that I'm not a huge fan of her or her atrocious style. That was in August of 2002. Geez. I read Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar right before that and it's safe to say that for a book it's one of the best of last century.

So, long overdue in that respect.

I also read Cunt and I feel a little guilty about this, because Penelope was reading it - and I can't stop myself, but I'm a very aggressively competitive person in some respects and, fuck, if she's reading it, I'm going to read it to and! finish it before her and! she'll most likely read this (hi Penelope!) and smirk at her computer screen a little bit.

But it's not that completely self centered; I like Penelope. In fact I Love Penelope - In fact I am so in Love with Penelope that I would do anything that I think is positive and true and kind and loving and which would allow me to grow to be with Penelope again.

It's really that core.

And if Penelope has this interest to read a book, like Cunt, well, damnit: I will too. Because I'm also a curious guy. I like learning about something I don't know much about. The self empowerment of Women: a damn good start.

I don't have much to write about the book itself: it's a Good Book. I would highly recommend it - but I say that about most books I've read. There's really nothing in the text that I really want to raise my hand to and say, "Hey, wait a minute...", as someone in my position - not a woman, perchance may wane about. I think the advice she gives to women is right on. The author also mentions several bands that I've either seen, example: Mr. Quintron and Ms. Pussycat, , have records of them - Crass, or have actually worked for - The Butchies.

A one word summary of the book, supplied by the sister of the book was, "Freedom". A two word summary by myself would be, "Kick Ass".

What the book did want me to do is self reflect a little bit and check the course of my own life. What Cunt doesn't talk too directly about is that we ALL need to look at ourselves and the choices we make - in a, "let's not destroy ourselves" kind of sense. The author is just on the (very well supported) opinion that women are gonna have the harder time with all this because of historical and societal reasons and, here's some ways to do it.

So, here's a little checklist for myself on some various topics that I find important in my life and how I, "rate" myself:

Living Situation.

Presently, I live in a warehouse with exposed brick and high, vaulted ceilings downtown. It sounds like one of those yuppie lofts that are all in style and incriminatingly expensive - but no, it isn't. It's a city block from those. I live inside a building that used to be a coffee trading warehouse, which then was a car mechanic's place of business and is now an art gallery.

I love in my studio. I work in my studio. I paint in my studio. I make love in my studio. I do a whole lot of things, in my studio. It's about 300 square feet in area. I helped build it in a week with two other people.

There are about six other people living in the gallery/studio spaces. We share a kitchen and a bathroom and a little office space (which has just been turned into more studio space). We sublet from the owner of the Andenken Gallery, whom himself is a small business owner, with a lovely wife and a small child - who lives about 2 miles away. He himself is a part of a Non Profit organization called Lover's Of Fresh Ideas. Through the non profit we get to do a lot of fun things and support the community in a very creative way.

In this respect, I give myself 11 stars. Why?

The building itself is almost 100 years old. We're reusing a space that probably also at one time was a brothel (for all we know). The building itself is made out of brick - it's fairly ecologically benign.

Living in a small community, you learn that a strength you have is each other, and you can then help out each other with your time, or your knowledge or a materialistic item that you have such as a car or a computer - a group of people need less than if we all lived in a our designated apartments. It's hard to learn to share - to keep track of who has what, to not lose your shit or get it ripped off - but most of this is just a trust issue. Most, if not all the people I live with are trustworthy enough that this isn't a problem - I think that's fairly rare.

The warehouse is also very scarily close to downtown. Like, a block away. I am two miles from my bank and that's about the only thing I really truly need to get to. Cheap restaurants abound around me, I go to Monkey Mania for music shows, I go to the skatepark a half a mile away for fun and I'm going to be joining the community rec center again, three blocks away for $100/year soon. In short: the location kicks ass.

Transportation

I give myself about a 7 in this respect - good! but it could be a whole lot better.

I own a car. I wish I didn't, but it's somewhat of a reality on how our society works. My car is one of the smallest cars you can possibly buy and one of the most economical as well. It's engine is about 1000 cc. Some motorcyles have more pickup. The engine is a motorcycle engine.

I don't really fall for the Americanism idea of owning the Big Powerful Car that makes lots of Noise and Defines oneself - that's stupid and weak. I like getting from point A to point B. If you can't dig me because of my car, then Fuck You. I have never really have that happen, but maybe that's more of the type of people that I hang out with (young, fairly open minded, have not quite yet given up on actually living).

I bought the car for a song from a friend in Indiana that was giving up the car, again, not much of a car as cars go, because he was basically giving up on driving Altogether. This man should be very much looked up to for being himself a co-owner of a small business, the president of a local organic food coop, a recumbent bicycle owner, a local homeowner in a somewhat economically slumping part of the country (as in, it's sort of a risk to do such a thing and easier to move to a better place, economically and set up shop). He is vegan and has given me in the past a subscription to the Center for the New American Dream.

So, I feel good that: I did not buy the car new - like how many cars are on the road, how many are made yearly? I'm sure it's staggering. I look at cars as ugly refuge lying on the sides of roads simply everywhere. Such a constant change in my personal landscape.

But, a car's a car. I'm still dependent on the oil - however many weeks it takes me to get through my 9 gallon tank. It's a start in the right direction.

If I do buy a new car, it will be a Turbo Diesel, most likely one of those sexy VW Golfs that I can then go to the Mercury Cafe and fill up on bio diesel. It's very interesting to learn who you need to do to a car to turn it into something that can use non-petrol based fuel sources. You ready? You have to replace the fuel filter every.... Six months! Ha. That's about it. Bio diesel actually cleans you engine amazingly.

But, I'll only do that when I can pay cash for it. I'm not much into borrowing money that's over my head. It's dumb. It's the way America works. Houses, Cars, startup businesses - all done on credit. It takes money to make money - sure. But Stupid Young Kids like me don't quite understand that the money to start up things has to come from, "somewhere...".

Also, bio diesel is still a pollutant, it just gets you off the whole oil market thing - which is gigantic - but still a stopgap. It's better to also think of ways to relieve your need for a car in general.

Like a bike. I currently own two! I currently haven't ridden either since very early September. They're at Penelope's, just hanging out. Both are relatively cheap and dumb, but the real reason I don't ride a bike is because of an 8th grade skateboard accident that left me unable to walk for a week after the accident and now is creeping back to me slowly as a really busted kneecap.

I don't know any of the medical terms on what's wrong, but here's a description:

I pedal a bike, every twenty revolutions of the crankshaft sends a feeling from my knee to my brain of a sensation similar to one I would suppose one would feel if one had their kneecap ripped off with a backhoe.

Every. Twenty. Pedals.

It hurt so much that if it was late enough and I needed to be back where I was in the morning, I would just stay the night. End of story.

So, I can do something about that. I could go to a doctor, I could get surgery, I could go to an alternative doctor and think positively all the time about my knee and having it feel better, but most likely, it's just something I'm going to have to life with and work around.

I also own a skateboard! Coincidentally, skateboarding, no matter how or on what I skateboard on, proves to be painless in the knee area. It's not as efficient as a bike, but it's nice for small trips to wherever. Plus, a skateboard is a small amount of raw materials, and except for the urethane wheels as mostly biodegradable. Go skateboards!

And. I walk. I love walking. I'll walk in the middle of a snowstorm across town at 2:00 am to deliver a love letter to someone that wants to take a break from me and see someone else. And I Have. So walking is good I guess. Go walking.

Work.

Again, I give myself a 7. Good, could be better.

I work for myself. I don't have a boss. I don't have employees. What I need is a laptop, a cell phone and an Internet connection. I mostly create nerdy computer programs, such as Dada Mail.

Dada Mail is itself free as in freedom. The intellectual "property" that I create, I give back to the entire World! for anyone to use in any way they see fit - as long as the give those same rights to anyone else too. You want Socialism? That's Socialism. That's pretty damn close to Anarchism. What I work on for free, anyone that depends on it can benefit. It's fucking nuts. The more people that use it, the more I benefit from it, because, well, things DO go wrong, the program DOES generate consultation services that I provide (hey, anyone else could provide these things too!) do generate revenue.

Of every 1000 people who download the program, maybe ten of them pay for it. Not because they have to (program's FREE as in FREEdom), but because they want to. That's fairly positive Mojo right there.

The program's so popular, I can give breaks to people who run organizations that I dig, like people who run positive organizations for political and social change, local (as in distance from where I physically am appointed) businesses and friends I know. It's great and I love that part of it. It keeps me from being burnt out. Everyone has something they can do easily for someone else. People just need to DO it.

I work in the same space I live, paint and love in. I use this space to its maximum capacity.

I do feel that having my work tied to a computer is somewhat non optimal. Computers themselves need a lot of raw materials to be manufactured, they are composed of lots of benign materials, like silicon (as in glass, sand), copper, aluminium, gold, but also some nasty stuff like mercury, batteries, plastic, etc. Not so good. I justify this by using the absolute hell out of my computer. I have a very small computer. Very small. I use it for work, I use it to play, I use it to keep in touch with friends. I use it to express my thoughts and opinions to billions of people who couldn't care less. It's great.

I use a Macintosh, developed by Apple Computer. Apple seems to be a fairly forward looking company as huge multinational conglomerates go. A lot of the software that comprises their products are based on Free (as in Freedom) products like the ones I develop and I respect that. Apple also hasn't been found guilty of running an illegal monopoly by the US Government, as Microsoft, Apple's main competitor in the Operating System (Windows, Mac OS, Linux) has found to be. They hold a niche market. And they have exploited it (exploited as in took advantage - but in a good way).

Along with my laptop, net connection and phone, I also do need web hosting services. At the moment, I use a small business, partly owned by the same friend I bought my car from. The other partner is involved with helping people learn about Daniel Quinn's writings, such as Ishmael, is Vice President of a local community network association and from time to time lives on an organic farm. Good guys. They really have been amazingly flexible to the point of godliness when it comes to my payment "schedules" to them and for that alone I thank them.

They're probably a little more expensive than some other businesses, but they seem more self sustaining for the reasons listed above.

What I lack is something of myself: I am not a very good business person. I do the best I think I could do, but running a business is not my calling. I get by and I count my absolute blessings that I am doing reasonably well - enough to write this little essay - creativity is something done in time of leisure.

Diet.

I give myself an 8.

I used to be on something called the Pritikin diet. If I remember (I was 16) it was something like 75% carbs from unrefined sources, 15% protein, mostly from non meat sources and 10% fat - which is absolutely the bare minimum you will ever get to. I became a member of the Master Race on that diet. I weighed 145lbs of just muscle, bone and required organs. I rockclimed and was able to climb 5.11c grade climbs (read: real hard and stuff with small hand holdy things on over vertical walls). I could do 15 pullups in a row. A ran everyday. I learned how to cook meals for myself that were at least palatable on this stringent plan.

It was also a little overboard. A 16 year old could eat anything and still be in this shape and most likely, I probably did more harm then good.

When I was eighteen, I switched from Pritikinism to vegetarianism, mostly to soothe my parents fear that I had a eating disorder and also I didn't do much meat cookin' anyways - I just didn't know how. I ate more cheese. And yogurt. And that's about the jist of my diet change.

Almost through my entire college career, I stayed a vegetarian, which is hard in dorm cafeteria. But I was in Boulder for the first half and it's Trustafarian central with many forward thinking restaurants that have a great veggie selection.

Quite recently, I started eating meat again. My justification? I don't think humans are supposed to live on just meat. I get cravings for tuna fish. Do I neglect these cravings or allow them to be fulfilled? I fulfill them - if my body is say, "Uga, Fish" - that's what I'll eat. In flesh, I mostly eat seafood. Sometimes chicken. Sometimes beef. I haven't been able to stomach any sort of pork product. The amount of meat I eat is still relatively small - not even once a day - maybe thrice a week.

To me, it's the middle road, you know? Not too much of an extreme on either side. One of the reasons I became a vegetarian was because of the smaller impact on resources food derived from purely plants have in comparison to flesh based foods. That's still super important to me and I think I'll stick to this Mostly Vegetarian lifestyle for the foreseeable future.

Happy Drugs

I hate medical drugs. Will take only in extreme cases. If you do not know what's wrong with anti-bacterial agents, like penicillin or hey, some types of soap, get out of the rock you are under. I'm not as well educated on alternative, natural sources of medication like herbs to comment much on them. I do believe that some, not all, naturalpaths work on the principal of the placebo (I used to work at a Health Food Store)

As for happy, social drugs, I don't go overboard as well. I drink sometimes - I've been drinking much too much recently - too much money and too much dying of my insides for my taste. Anything other than pot just isn't of much interest of me. I don't tell myself I won't every try anything else, it's just not on the priority list.

My ideas about happy fun drugs are the same as with diet. Don't go to extremes and be smart about it. Cocaine is an international underground import being very obviously controlled by the government. Probably piss stupid to get into that.

Coffee is an international above ground import being incredulously controlled by Governments - ours or the ones that exploit the land it grows on or the people it's grown by. Coffee is my vice and the sole thing I do take much much much too much of. I'm working on it. I support local coffee shops instead of chains and ones that have some sort of fair trade (coffee growers are given a, "fair" price for their coffee), rather than... unfair?

But, it's the middle road again. From the reading I've done, no drug, taken in smart doses with intelligence and possibly guidance will give you any sort of long term problems. The real problem is stupid people and slightly smarter people who sucker the dimwits into an addiction. But that pattern is in everything from legit businesses to how almost every single government is run. Let them eat cake, ken?

The only drug I ever do alone is coffee. It's hard to find someone around at 3:00 am that also has some sort of deadline. I'm drinking coffee, alone, right now.

What I truly hate about my social scene (and it's a scene, as in, I'm a scenester, yay), is that it is almost positively required to drink. Sounds stupid, but music shows happen in bars. You go to a bar to drink. I usually drink a beer. The real reason bars have bands is to attract more people to drink. No bars - not as many places to see the creative forces of my peers. Poop. But, whatever; I'm not going to ever stop dinking, I'm just going to be smart about it.

So let's say, eight on that, in my personal view.

Politics

I'm not that smart on politics. I don't read the news regularly - which "news" should I read? I want to be better acquainted with it. I don't know who to trust for my information. Another life long goal. Rating of: 1.

Relationships

Five. I give myself a Five. I give myself grey, if you mix pure white and pure black together. In times, I can be the greatest lover to my partner. I will shower them with roses. I will read poetry. I will sing them songs I've orchestrated. I will go the extra million miles. I will put them in ecstasy and not allow them to think of anyone else but me.

In other times, I'm borderline selfish. Or confused. Or I don't really know.

It's another thing I have promised to work on for my time alive.

As for friendship... it seems to be the type of thing that the basic building blocks for the skill of making new friends was never played with when I was young. So, I have a hard time making friends and sometimes wondering what the point of a friend is. I'm just more of a solitary person. But that's OK, I guess.

What I've been trying to do is be a better friend to my friends. To be loved, be loveable, you know? On the flipside, I'm also learning to be more assertive. If I'm getting screwed, I'm going to let that person know. With assertiveness, comes respect and the good kind of admiration. Opportunities are what you make, not what you are handed.

Again, lifelong goal.

I feel I don't respect the people around me - either I need to get into a different place in my circle of friends or just be more open. Perchance both. We'll see.

Family

I give myself a -10. I don't have a family really. I don't have a Mother or a Father, or any Grandparents living. I have some people that are related to me that are spread a distance of about 10,000 miles in total. The last time I saw my Brother was a year and a half ago - my sisters 6 months ago. They are of a different generation than me and we find most of our similarities in our differences and in our shortcomings. We confuse each other. It's a mess. It's also hard to get four people to come to some sort of agreement on how to work on this, so I don't blame anyone, really.

I do have that dream though. I have the dream of raising a beautiful family, of having a child, of allowing that child to do anything that will be positive and allow her to grow. If it fits that description, I don't care what it is that they would want to do: Baseball, ballet, playwriting - anything, anything at all.

I just know that isn't me right now - I wouldn't be able to do all that, I'm simply not ready. I don't think I need all 10's for the topics above, I just think, I just think it doesn't feel correct to do something like that now. Maybe in 10 years. Yeah, tens years of life school should do it.

So, that's what reading Cunt, a book about empowering woman against a mostly rich greedy white patriarchy, did for me: it made me see how small and large changes created by one woman affected, and continue to affect, her reality - and it made me want to self reflect. My above list isn't final or complete, it's just what my head told me to write about.

So read the book already.