I have absolutely no question that the Powers That Be are looking out for me. It may be my parents or the Universe in some non-new-agey way; but when the going gets core, when I get burned, we people aren't truthful for whatever reason, when clients rip me off for what could have amounted to almost 3 months of rent, I get a incentive to keep going with barely a roll from the rough-and-tumble wake put out by these forces also bobbing this vast sea.
I'm pinching pennys at the moment and it's great. Being very behind on bills forces me to work - it forces me get shit done, progress. I'm fat and lazy when I have a cushion to rest on. Without one, I'm lean and determined. At the moment, I am now lean and determined. I am cut. I will continue to release a new version of the software I ship, even though my real interest in the project has far been shed - it's a job, it's a blessing to have and it's worked this far - keep an eye out for new oppourtunities, but it's a relationship and it deserves the respect of your undivided attention.
Not having money stops me from drinky drinky into oblivion. That's easy to do when one's also completely ruined emotionaly. Have you ever felt that way? That you're so confused and hurt that you'd like to turn it off for just a night? I have and it's pathetic. It's weak and it doesn't work well. Not because of the next morningslidingtoafternoon - oh no.
Because it's a lost chance to make yourself stronger. I drink much much less and I work out much much more. The skatepark has never been so much fun and it's free. I've taken out those running shoes I bought in December when I was rolling in loot and spending it on a woman that didn't know how to appreciate it - or couldn't tell me that she would rather not appreciate it - or whatever the excuse was. The fact is $250+ of fees just from text messengeing: GOOD NIGHT! DREAM OF ME XOXO! <3 a few million times in a few months time. I'm not enamored by those things - they're cute, but the creative dimensions one imagines from its many oft-overlooked uses isn't worth two hundred and fifty bones. It was pathetic and stupid for me to spend so much on one person anyways. But it was still pathetic to have that person not tell me... well, let's not go into that.
I've taken out those running shoes and I've been running. The first time I started, I got maybe ten minutes before being overcome with cramps. And then I was sick for a week. But I picked myself up, dusted myself off and started all over again and now it's no big deal. I found a pull up bar on the trail near the Platte River and now I can do pullups - they were my meat and potatoes during my rockclimbing days - I'm sure I was about to do somewheres in the high teens way back when. I can now do 5, 6 or 7 per set. But it's more, each time. I've just started. Do I still like to drink? Yes, but like tonight, I kept it to two shots and sweated that out to whatever they were playing tonight... "Come on Ilene" or something.
I came home from the skatepark without running or working out this night and went to Illegal Pete's for some dinner. I was going to just stick to some PB and J's to save some money, but Burritos are actually sustanance and they stick and it was a treat to myself. Thanks alex for working all day. Thanks for talking to people that needed to talk. I went to pay and the people on the other side of the counter said it was takin' care of. I don't know why - it may be my frequency of my visitations there - frequent, maybe just how I sometimes come in looking: natty hair, stinking of skatepark, cutoff pants, hole-y shoes (hopefully not) or something else I don't know about. Maybe the people working there are just kind people that take it easy and that's sort of a rare thing and I appreciate it although I feel slightly clumbsy on telling the people there this. But thanks, it is appreciated.
I went dancing afterwards. I didn't particularily wanted to and had no one to go with, but I went anyways. I'm on the permanent guest list after showing up in the Next Big Thing flyer costume - the DJ's hooked that up - again, some gracious people that I appreciate because they make my life a little nicer. I went in and got a drink and stuck with that one drink and watched for a little while and danced for a little while and left. I came alone, but of course, met up with many many people I knew and they all made me feel a little better. One woman and her fiancˇ were there. They are incredibly cute and cute together and I hadn't seen her since early this summer as she was in Italy. I don't even know their names but they complimented me on my jacket that was itself a gift from Katie, who gave it for me just because. So I have no idea what you two's names are, but thanks for saying hello and dancing with me - I'll see you at DEVO.
So I also scored free tickets to see DEVO this Tuesday. DJ Michael T handed two tickets to me as I somehow teleported myself from the middle of the large dancehall to just below the DJ booth in a matter of seconds to have them grace my hand before a stampede of regulars mushed themselves towards the same area I was occupying. So, thanks Michael. Five minutes later, he gave me free passes to the Softcore night tomorrow, so maybe I'll see a movie with a loving person, and then go dancing not 3 blocks away from my studio and then go to sleep and wake up! and have breakfast!
I feel as if I'm overexasperating my gratitude for the kindness of the people around me - but I'm not. It's been long due and if you don't appreciate these things, they go away. As they say, a blessing becomes a curse if not utilized.
And now, as Hillary just said to me, I have to pass out. (4:30 am)
