This is wonderful. I feel. I feel as if I am in Love! I am not sure quite why,
it may as well be because of you - it's this feeling that started after I put down Miller's Tropic of Cancer and allowed my heavy eyes to close on the page itself and I awoke and there It was, a feeling in my heart pumping pumping pumping a cocktail of adrenaline and white blood cells and good good good and it spread spread spread until it hit my head head head and now, and now I feel as if there isn't a way I could feel much better about anything. Absolutely anything. It is lovely. I am in a lovely pool of warm warm water that is slowly swirling around me and I don't feel at all that I could drown if I. Just. Let. Go. It's currently absolutely in my head and it's making everything around me glow and float two feet off the ground. This feeling, so crippled and abused as of late, this feeling is so virgin and good I think I'm absolutely crazy for thinking like this, but my heart heart heart keeps pumping and pumping and pumping and I instill this vicious amorphous amour of nothing if at all anything and anything and I feel as if I was the one that was eighteen! Why didn't I! In the tree. It hit me when I woke up! Of course in the tree, sitting - just like the nursery rhyme tease of eighteen years ago! You brought me to that tree and all I did was pick off leaves from the young branches and place them playfully on your head and all you could do to retaliate was to break off branches, small ones and stick them into my holey holy jeans. I feel as if we didn't even kiss! But we did! And that feeling, that feeling of you kissing me - that feeling didn't touch my lips and send electric to my heart and to my soul and to my mind and all over to my littlest of toes until this entire day was over - it took that long - a split second it should have taken - but what is a day, really? It's less than that, it's a glance, a blink of some God that is nothing but you and I and everyone I have ever kiss and will ever kiss! You kissed me, you kissed me with just an awkward peck, the most awkward peck I ever been kissed with! Two of them! Like twins, like stars that never leave each other's side. You kissed and then ran away to your car - oh how blundering you must have felt - I play that play's scene back in my mind and I don't know what I could have done differently, but it was the least graceful exit off stage that has ever happened! Props fell over, exposing their cardboard identity! Lights came crashing down from the catwalk! the curtain fell half way, rose and fell again - a great cloud of dust rose and stuck to anything everywhere! Who knew that there was that much debris in that old purple velvet! Not I, and there you were and you drove home - oh what must you have thought of me? Oh hell! Oh lovely hell for eternity I must be feeling so bad in some other reality - oh now here comes just a little a small a tiny bit of wanderlust - will I ever get to kiss those same lips in a manner that isn't half as ungainly? It simply does not matter. I want to be so incredibly jealous with myself and this feeling I am feeling right now and keep it all to myself because it is perfect - it is just me and I'm experience this sensation of Love and it is absolutely faultless. Smooth. Gentle. It is like a baby that isn't really mine. Oh but won't you call me back! Oh how fun it was to have a picnic and explore the park and do cartwheels down the hill! And eat icecream! And that damned tree. That damn tree, someone should build a treehouse in that damn tree! We will, I swear I will for us. For no reason. For no reason: Thank you thank you thank you. I am a journey that pales to your trips to South America and Europe and whever you will go next! And I thank you and will thank you always. I cannot think of any other word but, 'jerk' for how I must have been to you and I do not apologize! But beg for understanding that your youth and loveliness has made me grow up and cut what's bad and bad and bad off! And I am ready for you to look at me now. I am set to look at myself and smile and I am going to go now and lie in that same bed that this feeling slowly started and let it envelop me, let it send me to wherever it may take me, even if it's to death that is cold and black and nothing nothing at all because now I have been reminded of what the limits of loveliness is and it is you. I have been tapped and tapped on the should and been privy to the realization that it still and has existed and it is so commonplace and just about as clear in front of everyone's eyes as possible.
You have the loveliest blue eyes that does grow deeper and bluer with your tourqouise dressings. Be proud and true to yourself. I will see you soon, whoever you are the next time. You have made me again a poet. Love.
