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It's a remarkable Spring Sunday Night. The air is is silent and clear, I'm outside
of the coffeeship, drinking my coffee and getting sidetracked by everyone's conversations
and laughter and stories, listening to folk music about growing old and getting
arrested in Texas with the help of guitar, but I sit alone, in somewhat of a fork
to think about. I'm in one part relieved and the other part suddened by this inevitable
choice.
My girlfriend of one year, two months and a jumble of days has given me the
"time alone" official speech and I have been sadened. Saddened so much as to weep
for her, long for her, feel addicted to her and feel no more a part of her. I
have started again my old habits of listening to Violent Femmes and Decsendents
minute singles, as I seem to do when breakups occur. Funny to say, I listen to
the same music when finding somone new.
I won't bore you with my renditions of how my heart
feels emoty and low and my mind unclear and my self image fractured, It's been
written, sung, and has been much more creatively explained than I can manage to
convolt. I could take these notes and make a few stupid songs, but they would
never seld as sex is what makes the bucks, not love.
Her reasons were scarce, as they always are, whoever it is, there's some secret
I don't know and won't know and won't want to know "it's not you, its my problem"
and on.
I tried with every tear I could to find more, but all I get is No, No, No.
No we can't try again, not right now. yes we can be friends, and then we can see
what happens.. but not now.
 This
all happened suddenly. One Wednesdaynight she asked if I didn't fell like
this is working and I changed the subject and watched TV with her. She aproached
me once more with the "We need to talk" script and broke the truth to me. Having
her lie to try to find love lost in me hurt much more than the real news. It led
me to wonder her real intentions... was she seeing someone else? ... Did she want
to break free for her Europe trip in a month? ... I'm going mad - and this is
proof. It hadn't been any of those. perhaps she was just scared. I would bem but
that stil was a jab into my trust of her, wondered what else she was feigning
in the past, when we were together.
I always put myself wide open for these kinds of things; I cave easily in bargending
situations.
... No need to ponder this anymore. It has been lost. Sometimes I wonder id
it was my fault this relationship went as far as it did with us so opposite. I
think of that year, two months and a jumble of days ago, I was scared, lonely
and thought she was reachable enough to Fuck. It sounds simply wrong but it's
true. What do I know (or know now?!) about love. Emotions change and I now find
her much more a necesity. Somethig to remember when I'm beat, hating my job, being
poor, depressed - at least I can think of her, how remarkable she is and how lucky
I am to be with someone such as she (blinds of heartbreak on) and it makes me
simply smile. I hope tonight to be the first night not to turn to cascades of
salty tears when she says 'goodnight' to me and I remember how much I love just
lying by her as she went to sleep and I stayed up and thought until morning, a
few hours before the alarm clock screams and I wake up too tired to commit to
the day at hand.
 I'm
not going to try anymore, to try and beg for her to come back, I can think of
all these reasons here life and the way she lives it is wrong and against my grain
and in the end, justify her existance as bad - but I wont, at least not here.
In my mind, I will stab and rip at various odditties of her mindset but, I will
remain calm when her name is spoken or when she is present.
It is time to move on and find someone new, whoever he or she may be. I actually think it will be soon; In that year, two months and a jumble of days, my complextion has brightened, my wit has dharpened, and I feel Good and at peace - not in pieces scattered in the hall of a new school in a new state, but all together feeling a part of where I am.
I found out a few days ago that my mother is an alchoholic. She has been an alchoholic for at least since my brother was in seventh grade. He was sneaking frinks even then and tells me there was always a different bottle of cheap liquour to be found and he never got caught. There must have had been somone else sneaking a drink. As is expected from someone so close to her for 18 years, I hadn't a clue. Any oddity I did see in her eyes, I threw to her neck injury she sucummed to last Christmas. Of all people, not my smal, quiet quirky Mother, Christ Please.
 She
was found, my dad reported to me on the phone, with enough alchohol to kill him,;
a man of 200lbs to my Mother's ~100, She was admitted somewhere, all hospitals
look the same, she was having trouble walking and every doctor didn't know why.
They won't allow her to be alone, since she can't be trusted, and she cannot drive,
let alone work. I really fear that she's dying. Something about talking to her
on the phone, it doesn't sound like she's taking any of this seriously, like this
was a game that she's going to try to cheat to get ahead and outsmart all the
people that are near her that truly want to help.
 I
found out this dire news a day after April Fools day, I thought it was a sick
joke, or my brother in law's Mother, it didn't make much sense. This news couple
with my ex-girlfriends has broken at least a part of me made me think of where
exactly I was in life and how much I couldn't do about it. Today, I feel no motivation
to do anything. My head is heavy and mind all fizzles. I wake up sometimes with
a small hangover-like mood, although no wine do I drink. I have this perhaps once
every three days. It weighs me done and makes me clumbsy. I want to sit all day
and think of what to do and why I'm not doing it now since I have no real reason
to. i could take my pad and draw, but what to draw... the air? T could draw my
hand but I haven't drawn in a while and I'm unsure of my abilities, the hand is
too wasy to gauge how well I am now and Im scared to learn that I'm rusty, even
if there is nothing to fear at all.
Maybe it's time to stop all this stupid mourning.
I am still here! I am young! I am celebrating my 20th birthday this week. It seems
I'm starting from the bottom on a few things in life, no matter. Use this oppourtunity.
Fuck the world! It isn't really here and I don't care. I am still filed with all
the good qualities I've always have and can use them doubly as well. Time to find
a few new things and dust on some of the old. i am ready.
-js
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