August 20, 2000: on losing someone

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i don't know what i feel right now.

 

i don't know what i want, and that's probably the problem

 

things just don't work out after awhile, time to stop.

 

and thats just fine with me.

 

and thats all the time i've taken to figure this out.

its hard when theres noone anymore. i think of you + know youre not thinking of me at all. and that just makes everything worse. i wish there was someone here to rest her head on my lap while we flip aimlessly through all tha channels on tha tele. wish we could laff + eat junk food til the wee hours of tha morning. then go to bed, cramped on my small mattress. but happy, cos were so close to one another. everyone ive ever loved has had no problem letting go of me. so why is it so hard for me to let go of them? life is very long when youre lonely...

 

 

 

It reminded me of a me from a time I was very dissatisfied with myself, but was, as I remember it, happier because I felt I had a self image to work towards. Iım not sure this is working. He said some things about behind all the HTML code there was just a person trying to present himself. I remember the days when I struggled, fought with words, trying to say something about me that would help people understand me. And I guess it was so I could define me for myself as well. And I remember not having a companion then, as I am without one now. But it was different then, because I did have time left, and I was making such sexual discoveries on my own that I really didnıt need anyone else. I think now I do, because Iıve become what I imagine I had always wanted to be, but when I look in a mirror I donıt like what I see. No, thatıs not it- itıs more that I donıt look in the mirror any more at all, that I donıt CARE what I see. Iım too busy, or so I tell people. I remember, back before I became so god damned experienced at things, when I was constantly learning and I really felt I was part of something special, even though I didnıt know it like I am supposed to now. I remember, back before I started Half Empty, a time when I would sit and cry to music while I wrote something like this. Not only do I not feel 18, people donıt think Iım a kid either. And itıs weird, because on one side I want to act my age, but on the other, the side I show in public, itıs very impractical to not be taken seriously.

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< I should get over this stupid clique thing

| ??? |

an apology? >