It's only 10:19, and i'm tired, tired of alot of actions taken by people, tired of what's going on, tired of being helpless, tired of my stupidity, just tired. Sometimes it seems that I write too many entries about bad things happening, and perhaps I've even written too much about how I write about too much bad things happening.
But it helps me out, nothings all bad, there's always something that comes out good from everything, I'll squeeze something out I'm sure.
Yesterday, my boss laid off two people, he couldn't afford to keep them at the office anymore, some big clients were lost and it was time to balance the money tables. This doesn't seem too bad, but those were the only two other employees at my work. That's right, it's now just my boss and I. I'm now the longest employeed person there by default. I don't know what to do, or what I can do. I'm really stuck there, as it gives me a means to pay for school, rent, whatever, I can't leave the place. I also can't just leave my boss, he's done alot for me and apparently, I'm the only one worth keeping around. He's not the perfect person and he makes mistakes like all of us, but he's also not the fool. He tries hard at what he does and he wants to make something happen, to get energy into his business.
I almost broke my right index finger while skateboarding on Sunday. It's still swollen and it hurts to open dodoors, write, just normal, everyday things. The verdict still isn't in, I might have broken it, if only a hairline fracture. I hope it heals up before those Fine Arts Courses I finally got into. I managed to get into Computer Imaging 4220 or some where's around there, which is advanced as it gets. Hopefully, I'll get a swift kick in the butt from the class, maybe it'll open my eyes to more than pixel pushing on screen. Maybe I'll think the teacher is a complete jerk and try to fight him to the death in his very own class.
Dhalia isn't acting very nice to me. OK, she's really pissed at me, for working too much, for missing outings we were supposed to do together, I don't know. For all I know it's the birth control pills. For all I know it is me. I can't figure her out. It seems she wants something but is ashamed to say it, or only wants to pretend. She just doesn't want a comittment, but wants me to always be close. I feel a little soffacated by being so close to someone. I feel a little married too. We're living together but of course, "It's not that way" I can't do anything without her it seems, she makes plans and I break, she'll get pissed, she'll get pissed if I don't say yes to begin with, if I want to go skateboarding, or work, or just read.
She's done so much for me, but she's not humble about it, all she asks is when she's going to get paid, what have you done, ect. I don't want to talk bad about her, I'm supposed to love her, I just think she doesn't want to be loved sometimes, I don't feel comfortable with her, when I just want to be there, holding her. Maybe I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like this. I just want compassion. I get a weird face staring back at me as if to say "Stop acting dumb" That just hurts, but I still try, how come?
I thought I could help her, be the non-asshole boyfriend, just be there for her to care and not be THAT MAN that might have had hurt her, or took advantage of her, or just treated her like shit. I just cannot tame The Dragon. I want to just shake her to pieces and build her back up, fix the knots, hold her forever and just keep her warm, tell her how much she means to me. All I'd ask for her is that she would understand.
Understand who I am, how I'm just a mixed up kid that tries to hard sometimes at meaningless crap. How she's so much apart of me, and how i fail to grasp what to do with her, how that I am very much an individual, but that she is my best friend, one of my only friends, how she can brush off what we've had with an "OK" outside of her apartment before a stormy, gusty night, how I'm just "dude" and how I will be seen as just another asshole boyfriend.
Why am I so hungup on someone? I'm probably the one that's incredibly insecure about himself, who doesn't know what to do or which way to turn and she's the mature one that's been all round the world and the life I see as a challenge is just something to step over when walking through the everyday. I probably don't want to break whatever I have because the lack of what I have (and I still think its magical) is nothing. I could stare back in that and never see a shining face. Knowing me, I won' t try to do something like this again, at least not right away.
Damn. I don't even know if this is even over or what. I just want an answer and she's in Parker to pick up her car and maybe say goodbye to Jeremy, who, for some reason, I'm still jealous over. Maybe its the fact that's he never makes a commitment, he doesn't care what happens in a year really, hes off to Boston one week, New York City the next, then to Guam, back to Boulder, Colorado and then zoom! some wheres else, *snap* just like that! It must be nice not having to worry about how to support yourself, I don't know how he does it, and I'm not going to speculate, I've written too much bad about Jeremy, he doesn't really deserve it and I'm a little sorry.
I guess I'll see where in the apartment I'll be sleeping at and where Dhalia will end up tonight too; either here in Boulder, at her mother's house in Parker or hell, maybe even by Jeremy's side. That would crush all that was left of my innocence, that which Dhalia hasn't already taken away.
