|
 i
had a couple problems over the weekend. not really big problems, but just
a culmination of one big problem that i seem to have, thats slowly coming
out of me. and it hurts, its not because i need some sort of witch doctor
surgery to relive it, but because its all so preventive and i know exactly
what to do but i just don't do anything about it.
friday night seemed fine. i stayed in mostly, lack of money, getting
paid on the 15th, mr VISA needed a rest, worked on a client's project,
drank coffee at the local coffeeshop, madly flirted with this crazy dancer
girl. i'm attracted to the unordinary, not the weird or gross, jut the
wild and enchanting. good looks and cute pants are as superficial as the
things i write on the back of my hand with a permanent marker.deep robust
eyes and a forked tongue for pleasure just make me flinch in my open hands
as i exhale between the crack beteween my little pinkies. this was one
of those girls
i tried to walk with her as far as her car was parked, i made excuses to go
outside, my hat was left at the coffee shop, i had to go and get it, (really
it was in the pocket of a friend in the dorm) i pushed her like a dumb school
kid at recess, i asked for her to stop at the top of the engineering building's
stairs cause i had something to ask her, or talk about, or say.
but i didn't. i didn't say anything, but "forget it" she, looking
puzzled ask me what i meant, again, "forget it" i didn't have
anything to say. i felt stupified. i remembered later how i started the
last relationship i had (oh summer, it doesn't feel like winter, not even
in the mountains, but it doesn't feel like melting from the lustfullness
of THAT summer) i just went for it, i looked into that bastard of a girl's
eyes and then i closed mine, and just went for it, a kiss and it was established,
without saying anything.
but now, nothing, i wimped out, it was so sure. i was so sure. why do i never
ask for what i really want? the ravings of a shy innocent punk skater. cut my
misaligned character with a razor blade, don't spill my disenherited blood.
just throw the blade away, its not worth even contemplat--
went skating after all that. my board-the perfect women, does whatever you
say, only hurts you if you treat it unkind. police suv ( everyone has
an suv in colorado) pulls into the earth science walkway. police asks
for id from me, who is wearing his "i'm going to kick your ass...
and get away with it" t-shirt with the andy griffith cop, holding
a gun, smiling, a steal from
positive youth. not the best thing to have on when taking to THE MAN.
asks for info, name, address, ssn, i decide to tell the truth, he calls
into the police department, all checks out, i haven't been warned before.
i go back into my dorm, take a right, go out of the dorm through the side
exit, go a couple blocks away to the UMC,
skate there, 15 minutes later, same suv, same cop, i spot him as he spots
me, i walk into an enclosure, take off my first shirt, walk all the way
around campus clutching the board, go home, get my kerouac book, study
it back at that damn
coffee shop.
 worked
some more till 3, i've been working so much. i need to break even, or start
getting almost to the point where i can begin. paying for college by yourself,
buying a computer yourself essentially ( oh god, i'm growing up) taking responsibility,
isn't fun sometimes, and i don't care about what hardships i give to some out
of state rich girl thats trying to study/sleep at 1 am on a saturday night,
or even if they remember just what descendents
song i was playing after their binge cloud hazes out.
3 am.
called it quits. i hate working with the door closed. i keep the door open,
i like to see people see me. i face the window outside. i hear people having
fun getting high. i see other people change while i'm changing.
5 am. in bed since 3:30. roomate comes in. been trying to open the door for
at least ten minutes. i guess i'll hide his name, lets just call him,
motherfucker- no this write up is about as negative and flat as a rollins
band song, we'll call him motoko. motoko
kusanagi motoko's eyes were as large as frisbee golf disks, he was moving
in invariable patterns, he kept dancing as if at a rave, which is almost obviously
where he had come from. i didn't care, not the first, certainly not the last
time he's been like this. half hour later i get russled awake. q->"alex
are you up?" a-> "yes" q-> "ok, just wanted to make
sure i wasn't disturbing you and all, i'm not right?" a-> "no".
half hour later. groans of "ah, ah , ah , oh yeah, ah ah ah aha ah, waving
of arms, just random stupidness persist. q-> "alex, do we have any
ice?" i get up, open the freezer, grab the last two ice cubes and give
it to him. "oh my god, thanks alex. alex goes back to sleep. motoko
has orgasm with ice.
*rustle rustle rustle* q-> "alex, do we have any ice?" a->"no
man". a look of disbelief. door opens.i hear a knock on a neighbors door,
q-> " do you have any ice?" door slam. another knock on a different
door. same thing.
first i was just scared, thought this guy was going to kill himself.
after the third hour it dawned, the sun, and then at me, if he aint dead
now, he aint gonna be. sleep again. (writing this with mr motoko present,
actually, right in back of me, talking, cracking jokes)
get up at 12, eat. go to mall, eat, sleep at 7, motoko is still asleep
from last night. watched total recal, figure out if the movie's happenings
were a dream, if all this is a dream, if i will stop dreaming about that
damn girl, all of them, that have slipped, i get nothing done, wasted
day. i had so much to do. i hate all that is motoko.
sunday.
 did
work overflowed from last week. its alright i guess, its for a toy
store, so its kinda fun. work 4 hours at home, go skating and juggling
(at the same time) outside. sometimes its just good to be goofy.
more people should just do what they want. i'd love to get caught by the
police then, i'd frame that ticket, the fact is, i've been warned about
skating and
juggling in that area before. hang that little scrap of paper and
get my picture taken "failure to withhold no skateboarding and juggling
ordinance" <- (caption).
at seven, i went swing dancing with the girl i have that bit of a crush
on and a few friends, after one dance, i felt very dizzy and i sat down.
i was exhausted from just hackin it. i sat and thought about all the negative
things happening to me, one after another, and i began to crack. it was
just too much. friends started asking me questions, wanting to know if
i wanted to go home. i said no with a quick, trite shake of my head, i
don't want to ruin people's good time. she (crush) started with dancing
with this one guy alot, which i didn't find strange, shes a dance minor,
but i could see something was up, one very fast swing song was over, he
ended with rotating her about as many times as the earth has revolved
around the sun since its been somewhat in a solid state, both eyes met,
they clicked, a small hug at the end, my heart went to nowhere, a minute
later, i saw them walking hand in hand down the stairs and outside. i
just looked blankly, mouth open, i turned to a friend trying to console
me (and doing a good job) she didn't look back, she went somewhere, idunno,
away from me. i cursed the floor, the ceiling, myself, that bastard with
the small moustache and go-tee, i couldn't beleive i didn't act before
he did, i couldn't believe that i didn't ask to go home early, i couldn't
believe how weak i had been about trying to start a relationship.
 the
dance was over a half hour later, HE was walking with us to the car, they
stopped in front of the car, goodnight kiss, i just lost myself. it felt
like i was kicked in the stomach, some part that has no nerves for pain,
but still the wound was deep. i couldn't talk, it felt like i was having
a nightmare about being frozen in my bed. i was at a lost for words and
what to do. i just sat in the back, blaming myself. i knew it wasn't her
fault, or that guys. but mine. mine. mine. mine. tommorrow was valentine's
day.
i went to work, then to school, then to Dhalias (yes i'm sick of using fake
names) . i made her a valentines day card out of crayons, i wrote with
my left hand, so it looked like a pre schoolers handy work, i was pretty
impressed at how well it did come out. i now see myself as ambidextrious.
all the card said was "happy valentines, i'm an idiot, lerve alex".
yes
lerve. i drew myself skating on the cover, with hearts all over, placed
so i looked like i was flying through them all.she wasn't at home, so
i went back to my dorm, drew a broken heart on my chest, one side had
"AS" on it, the other had "DR"
i skated whatever i could, without a shirt, trying to test myself, saying,
"if i can make this trick, i can do anything, i just have to try,
follow through, learn from what i did wrong"
tired, i went back to my dorm, grabbed the card again, skated to Dhalia's.
not home. stuffed the card in her apartment door, skated more. legs, tired,
stiff, i just skated at a great spot not 100 feet from her dorm, a nice
concrete bank, mini skatepark, no signs, no police, no one caring. came
back home. in total lack of emotion, carried on from the day before. telephone
rang at 11 pm, surprisingly it wasn't for motoko and his many drug dealings,
but for me. it was Dhalia, calling bout the card, asking if i was alright,
telling me how crappy her day was; stuck in the engineering building studying
for what the teacher terms a "post valentine calculus love fest/test"
or something to that audacious paramater.
 i
was glad she called, i wanted to do soemthing more for her, with her,
i asked her in the car to be my valentine the day before, before we went
dancing and HE appeared. she took it as a joke. she was stuck on spending
valentines day alone. and that she did. i didn't get paid that day, so
i had nothing else i could do, i didn't even have clean clothes and mr
VISA wasn't going to work with its measily $500 credit limited, the play
ticket still unpaid from december.
it seems like i go through hell way too much, too much to be "just
coincidence" its me, its my own doing, its got to be!, i'm not doing
somethinf right, i'm letting things slip, i'm not taking advantage, i'm
putting effort into the wrong things; i can pull on something as hard
as i want,but if its tied down to something, all i'm going to do is make
that damn knot tighter.
heh.
just got to learn, follow through, skate through life. i figured out i sucked
at skating the second year i took up the sport, but friends dropped out of it,
i stuck with it, practiced till my boards broke. now it just flows. its an uneven
learning curve. i have to climb this everest hill to pan out into a plataeu
where its all safe and predictable. i just have to remember, keep going up,
not sideways, not down to rest. just go. go. go. go. go. how can i behave without
bounds in some things and lamb shy in others? just go for it. no ones going
to care if i fug up. just go, now go!
sir yes sir.
-a.s. |
