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connecticut is making me crazy. i feel like the 80's movie character dad,
who goes on vacation with his adolescent children and his endearing wife,
all with good intentions in a frog green station wagon for the happiness
of his beloved family, just to get mixed up in some crazy adventure involving
in-laws, the law and sometimes a moose and his carnival ride wonderland
. i haven't met a moose yet but i'll tell you, oh god, will i tell you.
after new years and my mother's accident, i was flushed of everything
i had, i got bored hangin out with the same friends and not being able
to meet up with friends i wanted so much to see again. i turned sick without
a temperature or reason, even now my head feels like a bowling ball being
precariously held in place on top of a 6 foot stack of bowling pins and
shoes- like the tower of babel, my head is sure to fall off in a great
crash of wasteness and greed..
well i crashed
the car. my mother still couldn't do any chores from the neck injury
, so i helped her out with all i could. i stayed and worked on different
projects, i drove her to the store so we could buy some necessary food,
the idea for today was to go to ames to get some socks [i have one or
two pairs, i'm getting desperate] , and the market for some more food.
i drove with the protection of a learner's permit, i mailed the money
for the traffic ticket in just yesterday. it was due yesterday, my father
woke me up at 9 am from my sick slumber to yell at and throw money at
my face since i didn't have much left. i said thanks, walked to get a
money order, shaving cream and a few things and forgot entirely to get
the money order to send the ticket with. so i went back.
today my mother and i got three blocks from the house, i was at a stop
light. i glanced up and the light turned green, i double checked myself
and it still was green, as if something was telling me it might look green
but it feels pretty damn red. i moved ahead and from the left side a car
whose make i forgot came into my left side as i swerved with all the skill
of all those video games i played hours on end in grade school to try
to get out of the way. a great bang from my side of the car, and a feeling-
i can't beleive this is happening to me- kept rolling like a pin ball
around in my mind. i still had control of the vehicle and turned into
a side street (using my turn signal, of course), put the car in park,
shut off the car and put my arms into my face and sighed or cried softly
or something,
a person without a license and a ticket hanging over his meaningless
life for driving without a license and now an accident didn't make me
feel like i thought i'd feel in a quiet vacation in connecticut.
the car that hit me came slowly to the side of the now crushed buick
park avenue, out came an 88-year-old man, holding out a shaking hand clutching
some sort of pills "i had an angina attack" he told the police
<= ( oh god, not again) that he couldn't see that he went through a
red light. and that it was all his fault. he shook my hand and i told
him its right dude. (actual words that came out of my mouth, should be
quotations)
after the report was filled out, i once again got into the car. i had
to use the passenger's side, and drove on to the store, because that's
where my mother wanted to go, i felt uneasy driving at all, i think i
passed one car and began to shake incredibly inside. told her whatever
she needed i'd walk to the store and get it. i drove the car home, parked
it and shivered upstairs where i wanted to yell, but no sounds came out
of my mouth. i called someone i thought used to be close with, mumbling
nonsense. answering machine: "hi, [person] i really need to talk
to someone, not about anything, just everything ok, get back to me"
*click*
in the morning, my friend that i went to woodstock with called me up
to see if i was doing anything,
she told me of her wild trip in boston in new years, about how her ex
boyfriend that she was getting kinda back together was hitting on a girl
right next to her, how she spent new years outside of the hotel she was
staying in hanging out with british tourists only there for 30 hours because
"london is boring" how on the way home the driver (ex boyfriend)
fell asleep and she got woken up herself from the side lane bumps.
i told her i'd call her back after she did all her chores she need to
get done.. i might need some place to hide for a while and someone to
talk to about stupid, ridiculous things and not about all the money i
owe, all the trouble i've gotten in and how close i am to losing it.
-a.s.
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