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i had only acouple more days to stay in connecticut., i was almost
afraid to step out of the house, less something horribly wrong that
my karma conjures up rips me once again. but kelly finally got unsick
and we started hanging out with each other most nights. kelly- kind
words, beautiful girl, nonfantastic face, sharp mind, all her friends
are boys, reminds me that all my friends are girls... i saw her again
and it was like a 6th day at woodstock 99, where we went together, stayed
in the same small plastic one man tent, just someone nice to be with.
the first time we went out to get coffee, we passed a house on main
street all lit up still from the holidays that seem to have gone on
when all my life got streched and marred in life's gear. she looks up
at it: "why's do the lights say moose?"
i couldn't tell her, i just wore my token little smile with my slight
giggle i only use with people that honestly make me happy. its usually
a dead giveaway if you hear me giggle. i'm just converted wine in your
hands, we could both get drunk off each other without saying a word
and without any pain the next day. i knew the week before that i would
see a moose, and that i'd tell you. so now i did and i told you so.
(try the previous entry,
eh?)
 i
think i needed kelly, she was just like her big life sized bear that
shes had, pookey. she probably got it when she was smaller than it was.
pookey was also her old hamster's name, and i think its also a long
forgotten cat she had. she liked pookey. kelly listened to me babble
as well as she liked to tell me about what's been happening with herself.
and that was just nice, that was just what i needed. thanks kelly. kindness
is so hard to find in a world of unspecified greed and white glittering
malls wth busy people looking in different directions than they are
going and poor souls that aren't going to have a place to sleep today
cause no one filled the rice bowls.
it seems through my first college winter break, i became a highschool
teenager again. i played twister
at someone's house after they got out of school. it was snowing that
day, the roads were like the caps of the mountains at home in CO, there
were about 7 high school kids there, getting drunk on sugary concoctions
like mikes
hard lemonade, no one had a twister board, so we traveled to ames,
played in the toy section. i forgot to pick up socks. i didn't have
much money after all those tickets. playing twister with two girls and
about 5 guys, has to get perverted at some time. after a while, instead
of using the spin board to see where our feet and hands went to what
colors, someone would be commissioned to have the last two people on
the board get into the most oddest, pretzel positions, i'll have to
get my copy of the contra sutra to explain where me and sylvi ended
up in. all in good fun.
the last week or so was good, plain, a big sigh, a needed rest. i never
talked to jess (my summer moon + stars), didn't see her the whole winter
break. i guess it was just overcast the whole vacation, it did finally
snow a couple of inches. if you don't look up, you don't miss silent stars
and the new moon face. i guess i finally got over her, shes still right
on the surface of my mind, i can't hide from it, but i know, it aint no
tattoo, it'll wash off, and if i really want it back (or if it wants to
be back on my skin) i would put a sterile needle to my skin and engrave
it there forever. only take a couple hours, i'm sure.
no one was going to give me a ride to the boston airport to catch my
flight. not my parents, not my friends for several reasons, except kelly.
kelly goes to college bout a half hour from boston at stonehill college,
she came on the 17th at 4:30 to pick me up, mom started to cry, gave her
some hugs, and tried to fit all my bags and a snowboard into her small
car that was filled with her life. she never had room enough to put anyone
else, let alone their luggage into the car, but she made room somehow.
pookey had to suffer.
i tried to find my bud sylvia's
house on our way to massachusetts, i've only been to her house once,
the car broke down from a dead battery, the lights were left on all
day (it was mid afternoon mind you) and i have a horrible memory, all
i knew was that it was off of two rod highway, but i couldn't even find
that. we swung by denise's house, i've been there a bit more than sylvi's.
i dropped off some books and such for her to jive from, some stuff from
tilt-a-whirl press, new hipsters, ron whitehead, jordan green, heart
from the midwest, all about life, just as simple as that. i gave her
some goodbye smooches, she was one of the only people to give me a xmas
present, and she doesn't even celebrate jesus. we then went to newington
to my girl ericka's house, ericka, sad girl, frustrated vibes, wants
more out of life, wants a family, a real home, wants out(!) wants her
GED and wants to just begin something. i dropped off some cd's, told
her brother (she wasn't around) that i thought she was fantastic and
that i wanted her like nothing else. i hope she smiled.
kelly and i figured out where I-84 was and got out of doldrum connect-i-cut
and started on to masachusetts, which, if wasn't for the imaginary border,
is exactly the same as connecticut in appearance, but is flipside in things
to do, places to go, good times to have. massachusetts has boston. ct
has no boston. we stopped for gas and i saw a huge green sign in the darkness
of the highway for lowell massachusetts, the birthplace of ti jean, jack
kerouac, wonderful writer, i planned to go with a few friends ealier in
my vacation, but we never got it together. i pleaded to kelly to take
me there. she didn't reply for a few minutes, and just asked me:
"do you really want to go to lowell?"
yes i did.
so we went on the road, all crazy with everything we owned in the back
seats, driving an hour backtracking then another half hour west, to a
town both of us have never been to, to see a memorial that neither of
us knew was, just because i wanted to. kelly is as kind as a pink rose
in springtime. no one else did anything close to what her unabashing giving
did for me. she's just amazing, a rainbow after a monsoon, the poofy stuff
on a latte, just kelly-kindness.
we find lowell, had spinach pizza, and searched for the jack
kerouac memorial. from the pictures i've seen, its a bunch of pillars
with the beginnings of his work on them. i sneaked around the desolate,
cold and closed visitor center, found the map , and remembered some
of the directions. we found the memorial on a one way street. we firsted
parked on traintracks near the memorial, but moved the car towards a
parking lot, we backed out blindly, all our stuff was hiding the back
window, almost getting hit by another car that raced to the parking
lot, that turned out to be private. we finally parked on the other side
of the memorial, in an alley next to a hotrod car and a cigar shop.
remembering to lock the doors, finally put together my camera and found
the film.
 it
was -35 degrees with the windchill, fingers don't work well without gloves
after a minute. we raced to the memorial, zoomed around the pillars,
had kelly take a picture of me looking all cold and beat, knowing a
wasn't going to be here again for a while, going to colorado and all,
i decided to take off my coat(s) shirt(s) and just yell with energy
and excitment and happyness and last months frstration and just going
yeah yeah yeah! kelly didn't know what to do but to focus and shoot.
i climbed onto the main pillar with childness permiscuos feelings, and
just put a big smile on, put my arms in airplane wings, and smiled even
wider. even i was feeling the cut of the new england winter, so we rushed
to the car, unlocked it, got in and put the heat on full blast. as soon
as i could feel my fingers i gave kelly a big kiss cause its the only
thing i could give her that could match what she has given me, i'm broke
in currency but not in passion. i was high with all the goings on, a
little adventure before i left for co, a reason to go so far away from
somewhere i loved. yes, yes, yes!
 after
getting bad dunkin donuts mocha coffees, we headed towards stonehill
college, and to kelly's dorm. we got in about 12 am., seems like
kelly's dorm was the only dorm having a party, so everyone from the
college was at the dorm. as we unpacked and cleaned up the room, fights
broke out, young girls in freezing wear threw up outside, and sing alongs
to skipping backstreet boys cd's clouded us. a friend of kelly's sister,
short girl, freshman, drunk, very drunk, came into the dormroom, complaining
she fell down the stairs, that her ankles didn't hurt now, but boy in
the mourning! her and i went outside twice to find kelly's car, we forgot
a keyboard and a few things, each time we went out, we didn't find the
car, she kept limping and laughing and holding onto my arms for support.
i took her home to her dorm and went searching for the car again. found
it first try, guess something blinded me. the next day, kelly wanted
me to call her up to see if she was ok and ask if she remember anything
from last night (*hint hint*) i thought that was cruel. i also asked
kelly to give me her number, i'll call her in colorado.
 we
finished packing and talking and went to sleep, kelly lives in a single,
i slept on the couch. kelly slept with pookey. i wasn't much alone though,
i was tired and nervous about my flight, everytime i fly it seems i'm
just that much more nervous. being in a car accident didn't help, but
as long as they had a vegeterian meal (made just for me, the card that
comes with the meal will say, on a little green index card, my name
spelled incorecty) i'll be cool.
kelly and i ate breakfeast and did some poking around the campus, doing
little things you have to do for college, ane then off to boston to do
our goodbyes at the airport. kelly hates goodbyes and i didn't want to
leave kelly much, but i gave her a bunch of hugs, one final kiss and told
her she has to visit me for spring break, as neither of us had anything
to do then, then i can show her why i love colorado so much, we might
even go to africa for the summer, think of that! africa, whats there to
do in africa but feel like a minority and take pictures of the wildlife.
can't wait.
my flight took 4 1/2 hours, each (2) busrides took an hour each, walked
to my dorm, backpack, snowboard, and duffelbag full of my clothes, i forgot
my skateboard at home, i still can't believe that. i felt drunk from travel,
the feeling of sitting down as the whole country passing by through a
window, the entire trip taking less than a day, so many lives you flew
over.. what were they all doing? i stayed up all night cleaning my dorm
room.
 the
next day, i paid my bills, registered for classes got my new computer
and started to feel happy i was back in colorado. i don't plan to go
back to connecticut on my own wim. so much hurt and lost of lust, family
disarrayed. i stay here, up in the mountains, not hiding, but growing,
having fun and learning, mostly out of the classroom, on my own, but
just for the joy of it. for now, i say
sylvia, i
love you, you rock as hard as cocoa motion,
kelly,
i love you too, gavin says your hot in your new vinyl pants,
ian,
love you almost as much as kelly, just cause you gots the hair goin
on.
jess, i love you even if you don't beleive, even if i myself
don't believe, write. write write, it doesn't hurt.
denise, love you, just have fun, don't go too far for meaning
and just see things as they really are.
ryan, sorry about, that little thing, move on.
see you all when you visit me and get me in all sorts of trouble.
-a.s.
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