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this spans a two week period. alot of shit went down. there's a
whole bunch of links that complement the entry scattered here and there.
hope you get lost. its 4:40 am, i don't think this is the time to try new sleep patterns,
 the
holiday season is almost over, i'm hungover from regret, despare and
jealousy, just able to get my eyes open at two oclock in the afternoon.
still in the ecko sweatpants
i got from a web job i
did and an old independant truck company t-shirt i found in the bottom
of my closet, under unmatched shoes, clothes that were supposed to go
to goodwill years ago and projects my mother saved from grade school
that didn't quite make it up to the attic. i'm listening to porno for
pyros yell for their life about the tahitian
moon, a slight aversion from the rest of the record, smooth mellow,
full of quaint feelings of hurt and love in that somewhat twisted perry
farrel way.
but i'm back in connecticut now, i maxed out my credit card to buy a flight
home to visit for a month. a month is a long time. friends of mine picked
me up at the boston airport. the second thing they said to me was "the
car isn't running, hope you have a plan to get us all home"
michelle, who planned the whole trip to get me from boston broke(?)
her leg, so she was hobbling around on crutches, when i finally found
my bag at the correct clains center, steve slowly remembered where he
parked the car and a small line of disenhearted souls got out of the
airport, me dragging my bag on a skateboard, steve (calling his mom,
only to get an answering machine "mom, in boston, car trouble, see you
ahh, later tonight") escorting ericka, his girlfriend, and michelle
always falling behind on her crutches, telling us she didn't want any
help, cursing herself and us, wondering why i had to fly into boston.
the car's antifreeze seemd to have leaked out, and the vanilla smell
of smoke coming out of the hood that's characteristic of a car without
any antifreeze gagged the air. we got to a gas station to buy some more
antifreeze and kept on as we cautiously drove home, heater on full blast
to try to "keep the heat off the engine".
my brother warned me to get out of the house as much as i could, or
i'd go into my old routine, and that all the roles in the house from
when i was in highschool would be present again. my mother missed me
so much. i was the last of four kids, so losing me to a college two
thousand miles away wasn't the easiest time for her. the day i told
her i got the tickets, i don't think she wanted me to get off the phone
until i landed in the airport. because of this, i pretty much could
ask for anything i wanted. which is so wrong.
"mom can i borrow the car?"
"where are you going?"
"middletown, its only
25 miles away"
"do you have a liscence?"
"um no. comon mom please?"
(bowed head, shaking, big sigh) "fine, just be careful"
(yes) freedom from my home town. a chance to go, and just go. go and do something.
 no
friends of mine from UCONN were home yet, they were getting out on tuesday,
three days away. with no computer i found my colored pencils in a cardboard
box mark "send to colorado" i packed before i left and supposively to
be shipped when i got settled. everynight i cracked my sketch pad open
to draw, almost doodle whatever i wanted after getting coffee at klekolo.
i also started "desolation angels", and went to sleep listening to cd's
of jack kerouac read "on the road", "washington dc blues" and "is there
a beat generation" i made copies for my friend sylvia. we plan on going
to lowell to visit jack's boyhood haunts, see the little memeorial they've
put up and sit by his small gravestone, maybe have alittle picnic.
tuesday finally came. i drove a couple of my friends to see man on the moon, they were joking about my driving on the way back when i was dropping them off. stopping at stop signs. somewhat obeying speed limits. i crossed a busy street with a blinking red traffic light without stopping. denise who was sitting up front with my yells, "alex watch out!"
a car almost skidded into the the 89 buick. the car turned out to be
a police cruiser. i just stayed in the middle of the road figuring out
what to do just for a second, and carefully drove up the street until
red and blue flashes from the rear view mirrored the fireworks in my
stomach as it slowly released adrenaline
"FUCK"
 the
police officer took my registration, i had no liscence to show him.
he asked me if my rents knew i had the car. i couldn't lie a second
time, i stopped my self after i said i had a liscence, going over my
own words like my parents are going to go over me with the buick i used
to be able to drive. i told them they did, so the police officer thought
it was a good idea to talk to them, my house being not 2 blocks away.
ryan drove denise home, and then drove himself home. i took the car again, and did a wide circle around the route to the police station and came the opposite direction towards my house. i got to the corner of church and main, i stopped the car. at my house was not one but three flashing navy blue cruisers, i parked the car at the side of the road, went out of my mind (i couldn't get caught with driving the car twice in one day) i got back into the car, turned it right around, and drove back to ryan's house, two miles away and walked without a coat, freezing from my new england frame of existance. i passed a police cruiser as i crossed the very same intersection i got stopped at. i didn't look at it. came home to find the police gone, rents in bed. i grabbed a cd and headed out of the door to retrieve the car, but my parents in bed called me in, they said something about the ticket i just nodded and went to sleep.
at 3:00 am, my father screams with the intensity of a jet plane taking off.
"alex get down here".
he told me to get some towels. i didn't have any contacts on, i couldn't see what was going on, i was tired, i didn't care. i got the towels.
at the foot of the stairs was my mother, she was on the floor, she
must have fell all the way down the stairs, we still don't know, a pool
of her own blood was by her head. she was complaining that she couldn't
feel her legs and couldn't move her left arm. i gave my father the towel
and calmed my mother down or maybe myself down as my father went to
call 911.
the police came first, then the paramedics. the officer just so happened to be the same one that pulled me over earlier that night. this was the second time they had been to the house. the police were there to ask about my taking the car, firemen were also there earlier because of a gas leak.
i drove with my mother in the ambulance. she could somewhat talk to the paramedic, she was conscious. she was complaining that she didn't need to go to the hospital and that all she needed was rest.
i stayed in the hospital until 8 am, when my father woke me up in the waiting room. he told me my mother broke her neck, and that they would have to wait for the neurosurgeon to come to do an operation. i follwed my father to the car, shivering from the cold outside, my fear inside, and the uncertain future of my family. i got home. i went back to sleep.
i got up really late. i had a birthday party to go to. my friend michelle
sent me a invitation from colorado, she says i
saved her life one day, idunno bout that, but i thought i'd say
hello at least. what really urged me to go was the chance to see my
former girlfriend (moon and stars, cait)
from summer, someone i met maybe a month before i moved. i've sent her
letters
from college, perhaps too many, perhaps some that were way too personal
even to someone that close, heavy with my feelings that i had for her
which i told her i wouldn't when we agreed not to have a long distance
relationship. i got one reply and that was all the way from august.
i thought about her every day in colorado as i dozed off in class, the
way we used to hold each other, the size and shape of her hands, her
slightly almond shaped eyes that i used to loose my absolutions in,
just being with someone that sweet.
 i
brought two different gifts for the party, only one was for michelle.
i found a toy plastic skateboard on the side of the street while i was
skateboarding, the board was orange and had this crazy flame deal on
the nose, it said marissa on it. i skated on that board as i held my
other one in my right hand. i decided to go down to the "wethersfield
skate park", a tennis court they paved over blue and let skateboarders
use. i skated on the side of the street down the hill. cars wouldn't
pass me, a long caravan of angry honking motorists accumulated behind
my old school skating stance. i guess the site of an eighteen year old
having fun on a skateboard is a bit much for a quiet colonial town.
so i wrapped up the board with christmas paper i bought since there
wasn't any in the house. i left the wheels showing through the wrappings,
as to give michelle something to guess with.
i packed a larger christmas present for jess, i had some ecko pants
too small for me and a sweater that was way too big for anyone to wear.
i don't know why i thought i had to give her something for christmas,
i just needed someone to care for, i missed the devotion when i moved
away. i honestly felt that i was supposed to do something somewhere
like a week after i moved, it was a blank feeling, and then i remembered
i hadn't seen her at all that week and thats what was absent in me.
 she
wasn't at the party when i got there. michelle was turning 16, most
of her friends were around that age, i was again the oldest one there,
two other friends that came with my were in my graduating class, so
we just all huddled together in our group and took in the screaming
of an exstatic birthday girl as she recieved all her presents, about
a million different candles.
she asked me who marissa was.
jess did show up at the party. she had a bad cold and was tired. i honestly didn't know what to do. i got up and gave her a hug, told her i missed her so much and sat down where i was before. all that was happening that day was way too much for me. later she came over and we talked in a small group with some other people, the party moved from the basement to the living room as some band was going to play a birthday song that never really materialized. it was agreed among my friends and i that we should go. i saw jess creep back downstairs. i followed her, she was laying down on the couch, the excitement or the noise or something was too much for her, i told her to stay their as i went to the car to get her gift.
she opened it in front of me on the couch. i never saw her so happy!
she put on a smile larger than the full moon that was in the sky. then
i smiled. and for a couple seconds i was happy. i gave her a big christmas
present hug, and we went back upstairs. i told her i was outta there,
that theres was some really messed up things happening in my family
right now and that i'd call her to get together. i haven't seen her
again yet.
i honestly don't think i will.
right now i'm trying to figure her, it all out. i don't know if shes
just busy with being her, that she's just forgotten, that maybe i scared
her off with the letters, idunno, but i'm sad from it, i want it to
pass, but taking an aspirin and coffee in the morning doesn't stop the
pounding memories that play in my head everytime i wake up. i want to
just be able to talk to her again, i don't think getting back together
for a couple of weeks is a good idea, as much as my heart is glowing
at the thought. i just want to talk, and get some closure, leave with
a hug and knowing i can write her again and say a little hello later
down the line.
next day was christmas eve.
my father picked my mother up that day, she came home, high from all
the chemicals they pump into you to make it not hurt as bad. she was
in a darth vader neck brace, no metal halo around her, a huge cut on
the top of her head. my sister, who i hadn't seen in two and a half
years stopped by asking where mom was. she was on the couch but i didn't
hear anyone come inside. my sister didn't (hasn't even yet) say hi to
me, how i'm doing, what i'm up to. my other sister from cape cod came
to visit for christmas too. shes going back to school to become a teacher.
it was a bit of a reunion, everyone in my immediate family was there,
except my brother who stayed in colorado.
he didn't find out until the next week.
 my mother didn't know what day it was, she didn't really recognize
that i had given her a present or that people were at the house for
christmas. she didn't rememeber falling down the stairs, she doesn't
rememebr the operation, the hospital, she was really mad that she didn't
have time to fix everything like she always does for christmas, dinner,
deserts, make the house just perfect, make it christmas. acouple of
times she tried to take off the neck brace thinking that she just had
a little strain, exposing the place where she had the operation, they
took a bone from her hip and fused it to the second bone down on her
neck, if she broke the bone one down from the one she did, she would
have been paralyzed. she got snappy when we tried to tell her what was
up. we ate what was in the fridge, and had her lie down early in the
evening. there weren't any presents under the tree. we were just glad
we still all had a mother.
every day my mother got a bit better, she started to eat again, laugh, make jokes, she started being her again. i've been helping out as much as i can, doing laundry, shopping. my time here turned from me taking a nice easy vacation at home to me helping my mother, stuck in the house.
i've been here for just a couple days and i'm ready to just stay in my room until the eighteenth rolls around and i can take my flight home. i shipped my computer and monitor before i left, the computer ended up at my house a day before it was supposed to, the monitor found its way to my work in boulder colorado, two blocks away from the mailboxes etc i had it shipped from. i had to borrow a monitor from my neighbor's computer that won't understand what 1/1/00 really means, its as small and washed out as my jubilence to be here is.
someone called me looking for ryan on the 26th. my sister who lives
in cape cod took the call, she told me someone calling here was looking
for ryan. i took the phone and told them they should try ryan's house.
ryan stayed with me over
the summer, he got kicked outta his house. after that was done he
asked if i wanted to come over. i didn't know who it was, but i said
fine.
 i
came over, we picked up ryan along the way. sommeone decided that they'd
call everyone they knew, invite them over, and finish off all the holiday
munchies. my friend denise also came. she started flirting with ryan
and kind of ignoring me. for some reason i got really jealous. i guess
i still had a thing for denise from last year at school. the problem
was ryan had a girlfriend, and denise wasn't into me like that. its
exactly
like last year. i got bored watching them be all cutesey and got
out of there with someone that used to be in my geometry class my junior
year. before i left chris told everyone he was seeing hatebreed in a
couple days so i begged for a ride.
so we went. i got a call that the show started at 5 and that they'd
be over in ten minutes. we got to new london to see the show at the
El and Gee. ten bands were scheduled. i got there at 5, i left at 12:30
am. my ears are still ringing. great show. the lead singer for hatebreed
looked like this hokey kid in my english class, dan o'hare. i'll forever
have that link in my mind. scary stuff.
 just
before ryan called me to go to the bookstore te next day, i got a message
from someone
they sent me for no real reason about a book called the "perks of being
a wallflower" she didn't give me the author. my mother gave me money
to buy some books for a christmas present, as i didn't even get underwear,
(which i do need) i went looking for the book, but the last copy that
had was mysteriously gone, they told me it was under "chbo" as the start
of the authours last name, i'll have to check it out. the person who
gave me the message told me that reading the book gave her the feeling
that
" bleeds through my whole body like rum does when i
drink it too fast. its the feeling before the rum actually hits my stomach and i
realize that i drank it too fast. all i can feel is it melting through me.
bleeding into every cell like the oil from french fries absorbing onto a crisp
paper napkin."
i'll have to look for it, i bought "dharma bums" by keroauc and had a nice conversation with a women from the help desk that was as grateful for getting her away from the counter as she was into beat writing. "you should write more, on scraps of paper, anything"
i went skating the day after the show, skating has been weird in wethersfield,
some skaters called me an asshole and run away, someone laughed right
at me when i fell, its so much different from colorado, i guess skateboarders
are typecasted as short 14 year old bastards with attitudes and seeing
an eighteen year old man (thats scary to say about myself, "man") having
fun, smiling at his mistakes doesn't compute. too bad.
but i think when i was skating in the back of the wethersfield shopping center, everything i've been into, everything that i enjoy, all i've exposed myself to, began to make sense and intertwine itself in my little mind into one big, beautiful flowering weed.
 maybe
its because i'm out of the college bubble; maybe because i witnessed
my mother almost dying, perhaps the music was way too loud at the show.
it didn't hit me in my stomach, it started in my head and radiated to
my hands and to my legs. its like making plans at 3am when you drank
too much coffee
and your talking to yourself all night about this great scheme for your
life that'll change you and the world, or you just got a whole bunch
of people together to unleash your idea to have you all start a punk
band even though you can't sing, your friend quit the guitar years ago
and no one knows how to play the drums, but someway you know its going
to work.
so my little manifesto goes a bit like this,
there is no world. all we see around us isn't real, since there is no real world, you should do whatever you want, however you want, just to have the experiance. (beat generation, jack kerouac) whatever you do, just have fun doing whatever you want, try to attempt whatever it is at a slightly different angle then you've seen before, maybe others will appreciate your imaginative take on something (skateboarding). it doesn't matter what other people do, as long as they're having fun, they can flail their arms and look like their practicing kung fu and call it dancing while listening to a band yell out their lyrics and play too fast to pick out notes and melodies, just as long as you respect the person. (hardcore music)
 its so simple, but it took me eighteen years to find the link. i guess the problem is to have other people see the same way, idunno. i'll never know how other people see things really, i'm far from perfect and my ideas reflect that fact. tonight we had kind of had christmas 2. everyone got together, my parents, grandparents, sister, her husband. we exchanged presents unwrapped from the little mishap, ate dinner.
my sister announced after many years of trying, that she was finally pregnant, i'm going to be an uncle.
for new years i layed on my bed, listened to miles davis and watched ryan as he spend 165 dollars buying two books and i was really let down there weren't any super riots gong on outside my house. i'll go with what the dali llamma said about this new year. just another day,
just another day
-alex
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