D-
Why was it? I only knew you for a couple months? I so desperately wish I knew
you for much more, that our relationship would have progressed further, but
or meetings were really adventitious; I was supposed to be in another class
altogether, the cause being my poor work in physics. We would have never met,
you would just be some dame Ryan would talk about from time to time, I'm almost
sure the reason I escaped all those classes was just to be at the same table
as you, maybe unconsciously, maybe out of jealousy from all the attention Ryan,
my associate in our syzygy, maybe i was just being myself, too bored in a class
of numbskulls and bungling fools. The teacher didn't seem to mind.
I would be sputtering lies to myself if I said I didn't feel something truly
special with you. I thought I wanted more, but you unsullied my head, and showed
me a true path, pointing that we'd both get hurt with so little time, But friendship
leads to greater freedom, sometimes with personal moot boots we'd communicate
to each other. I never held back what I said to you, how I felt, desolate, solemn,
exhilarant , fluttered, and you didn't either.
All these moments I was with you, I still wanted more. Lying in bed, talking,
reading song lyrics from recently purchased CD's, which we both determined were
exclusively about sex, watching movies in the coal black basement cave, just
being alone with you, eating refreshing fresh greens with light dressing. I stopped
myself to experience more.
Every time you left, I felt melancholy, something wasn't correct like I didn't
attempt something I could have. I never stole a kiss, or held your hand, I think
I'm doomed from being too shy, from having "esprit d'escalier" finding the perfect
zinger while lying in my bed, staring at my ceiling, too late to use efficiently.
I'll try to stop this rambling before it gets too cockamamie, you don't displease
me in the least with the decisions you made, and if I write about this more,
I'll be scrawling quite a candygram of pity.
But, wow! the future is just scary. My minds gonna hiccup in a couple of months,
taking in so much new in one gulp. My life's changing completely. New school,
new friends, new alex? no, I'll never change, as long as I can help it, I'll
still be goofy, too smart for my own good, too kind to spill lies to people
I really love, its going to be strange without you, but I can't wait to hear
of your stories soon. How well your doin in school, where your
moving next year, all the little emergencies and triumphs, the spilt milk and
painted masterpieces. There's no end to the soap opera life in Wethersfield
(ha!) I'm sure.
Just please, get out of this town, find the real you wherever, and express your mind like you want to,
with your eloquent words and intense mind.
...
...
...
But I'm not sure I feel the same since yesterday, because when my rational
becomes so lassitudinous from the hectic times, things become alot more core.
You hurt me when you were in my room that day, I was on the verge of crying
and you just escaped without any kind words or compassion.
My future was so uncertain at that moment, I guess you couldn't console me,
you just went back down stairs, to laugh with my polar opposite, and I tried
to avoid you and myself in my own house, which was impossible. So I went skateboarding,
which is horribly efficient at taking anger and aggression and pounding it to
form something positive and honest. Its a true high, I could have been hit by
a car that day, and just gotten up and laugh, dust off my shirt, take count
of the wounds, and go after the next hit.
You just lack the understanding of my position. Your the antithesis of my life.
I dare to look at things standing on my head, questioning the obvious, examining
the drab, ignoring materialistic qualities, thinking way too much, the blood
rushing to my head from my flipped position must make my mind a traffic jam
of thoughts and feelings that criss crossed and lost and tangled.
I just see you standing on your feet, carefully following a predetermined path to normalcy, scared of past slips,
doing everything as its presented, and presenting what you think people want to see.
Its not the first time the star crossed ended in disaster, at least to me,
that's what the relationship was. You were goin to be the only person I was
going to miss when I moved, but now, indifference blocks the memories and I'll
just go alone, my mind vacant of hometown allegiance.
...
stuff happened
realization took effect on what I had done, what I wrote, how I acted
total and complete breakdown of my quixotic position...
how could i have said that, how could I have hurt someone so much?
apologies accepted, homeostasis renewed,
its alittle more complicated, but only the truly curious will ever find out: ...
what she said
hi!
I hope you had fun at the graduation party...and that 5 am came quicker than
you thought it would...and that you didn;t have to resort to a book for
entertainment. Thanks for having me over..it was really nice. Fill that
journal...and I want to see it, too...you can censor stuff...as with the
naked baby photos...lol. I'm going to read the book you gave me cover to
cover..I've already started it..that's funny stuff.
But anyways..I'm so glad that you aren't mad or upset anymore...I hated that
you were mad at me...it hurt...and I hated that you were so depressed, and
down on everything...YOU MADE IT! YOU"RE FREE NOW! Have a peaceful,
relaxing summer...then get your butt to Colorado and BREATHE! Be happy
there...and be successful, too....do your schoolwork, get the grades - it
will set you up for life.
You must come to Cape Cod some time this summer...please visit me. But until
then, write!
I'll of course let you know if I get the internet up there.
I will miss you...you (and Ryan) have become a big part of my life these past
few weeks...it's not easy to let it go...and I'm just so relieved, happy,
thrilled - that you aren't angry...I was so afraid I'd leave with you still
fuming.
Once again, thank you for being a friend, and keep in touch.
