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i hurt my hand yesterday doing something stupid. the palm of my hand
had been wounded a month before doing something that had the same degree
of idiocracy, just skateboarding along, having fun and just, thud.
not hard, not fierce, not even painful, just a little kiss from
the pavement. guess that's all that was needed but my hand, my tool
to communicate to the world surely felt the consequences, and now again,
same spot, same act and scene. being hurt in a similar, almost deja
vu merely proves the fact that whatever happened to my was my
fault, i did something wrong, and that i could have stopped
whatever just happened, that i didn't learn from my mistake, and now
i'm going to pay, just like love and friendship. no one will want to
see my hand, no one wants to kiss it better, no one wants to think about
it, as the idea of it happening to them scares them away and i'm left
to fend for myself. sometimes i get pissed off at myself, so many scars,
so many bad decisions, so many teachings lost and forgotten. ripped
off like the skin and flesh on my body. but being so marked with failure
and lost attempts has left me free to do, to have experiences
others wouldn't even attempt to risk, being scared at what might happen,
but i don't give a fuck anymore... what i should do i get a tattoo,
not a small weenie little barbed wire pattern or cheesy butterfly, but
a huge sprawling mother fuckin dragon, the tail starting on my
right leg, the body twist on upward to my abdomen, over, on to my back,
its forked tongue reaching out, going around my neck, the tongue the
only part you see when i'm normally clothed, just when i'm walkin around,
talking to friends, at work. people would wonder to themselves what
lies underneath my clothes but they'll never ask, they would be too
afraid. it would probably be a disastrous mistake, but it isn'tthe first,
and won't (hopefully) be the last. you can call me stupid, but i'm not,
i just know your gonna get hurt realizing characteristics about you
and facing new boundaries.
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